You Fucking Idiot

So yesterday, Lebanon and I had one thing in common: we both got fucked.

Lebanon was hit by the Zeina storm (floods, strong wind, billboards falling on the street, Byblos port practically drowning) and I… was struck by sickness.

As I lay in my bed sneezing my ass off, covered under two piles of blankets, I started experiencing what any red-blooded mammal experiences when they’re this sick and cold: the love blues.

You know how it is. You might think of a past relationship, the reasons why it didn’t work out, or how, if the circumstances were different, he would have been snuggling with you and massaging your head as the outside world falls apart. It’s basically a pathetic moment. Absolutely normal. But pathetic.

That’s when my dad enters the room. I don’t know how he built the courage to enter that germ fest, but he does. And I know exactly what he’s gonna do. It’s something he’s been doing since I was born. He walks towards my bed, lifts up the two blankets covering my legs, and caresses my freezing feet. In an instant, I go from 27 to 5 years old, and giggle out loud like a child.

Then I think to myself: “You idiot. You fucking idiot”.

I’m craving that love and affection from a man who consciously chose to walk out of my life, when there’s an unconditional love lying in the other room, which I’ve neglected. That 27-year-in-the-making love that doesn’t check your text messages, get jealous, or emotionally abuse you. That kind of love that just wants you to be happy.

Now sure, there are some things a parent can’t offer. Like my dad will not go down on me when I have morning wood. But it’s good to recognize the purity of that “original” love. The feelings you have for your parents, your sister, your brother… that’s also love. It’s probably the longest-lasting love you’ll ever have. And that’s fucking awesome.


You Know Nothing, Beirut Boy

After 7 years of livin’ la vida gay

After 601 published posts

After coming out (and being outed) to my family

After falling in love 3 times

After dumping and getting dumped 6 times

After 70 nights of getting shit-faced at a gay club

After weeks of waitressing and serving hundreds of drunk lesbians

After 2 years of non-stop hustling at my day job

After 60 blowjobs

After 11 ecstasy pills and 65 Marlboro Light packs

After 100 kisses, 20 fucks, 2 orgies, 75 one night stands

I can honestly say that I’ve learned absolutely nothing.

Well, that’s not entirely true. I have learned how to take dick pretty well. But that’s about it.

The more I feel, the less I know.

The more I go out, and live, and love, the more I realize I know nothing.

I can give life advice and relationship tips to you and my friends all day long, bass walla, I’m just as clueless as you are.

And you know what? We’re 20-something, we’re gay, we live in Lebanon, under abnormal circumstances. We’re not supposed to know everything. We’re supposed to be beautifully complex (otherwise known as “fucked up”) creatures who know absolutely nothing. This is the time for loving hard, hating harder, living fast, trial and error (lots of error), bad decisions, regrets, and the occasional wonderful surprises.

So here’s to all of us, who know absolutely nothing.


Top 20 songs of 2010

Teenage Dream – Katy Perry

Highlight: I’ma get your heart racing in my skin tight jeans. Be your teenage dream tonight.

Tik Tok – Ke$ha

Highlight: “Now the party don’t start till I walk in”. (But you know she’s already drunk when she walked in)

Rude Boy – Rihanna

Highlight: “Tonight I’ma let you be a rida. Giddy up. Giddy up. Giddy up, babe“.

Alejandro – Lady Gaga

Highlight: “I know that you may love me, but I just can’t be with you like this anymore…Alejandro”.

Love the Way You Lie – Eminem ft. Rihanna

Highlight: “But you lied again. Now you get to watch her leave out the window. Guess that’s why they call it window pane.”

oy Who Murdered Love – Diana Vickers

Highlight: “There’s a mark upon your skin where your heart once used to be”.

OMG! – Usher ft. Will.I.Am

Highlight: The cheering men in the backgound making you feel like you’re watching a football game.

Bad Romance – Lady Gaga

Highlight #1: Screaming “want your bad romance” at the top of her lungs.

Highlight #2: Adding the song to my dad’s cellphone music playlist because he liked the song & the video. I was speechless.

Telephone – Lady Gaga

Highlight: Beyonce: “Sometimes I feel like I live in Grand Central station. Tonight I’m not takin no calls cause I’ll be dancin”.

Only Girl (In The World) – Rihanna

Highlight: The song’s amazing bridge, followed by the last chorus.

Parachute – Cheryl Cole

Highlight: “You’re gonna catch if I fall..down…down…down” & the military percussions used in the song.

Your Love is My Drug – Ke$ha

Highlight: The first 8 seconds of the song. Pure electropop heaven.

Waka Waka (This time for Africa) – Shakira ft. Freshlyground

Highlight: “Tsamina mina eh eh. Waka waka eh eh”.

Commander – Kelly Rowland

Highlight: “I’m bout to act a fool. Turn the lights on!”

Fever – Adam Lambert

Highlight: “Give you ma fah fah fever. Ma fah fever.”

3 – Britney Spears

Highlight: “Everybody loves (insert signature Britney moan)”

Airplanes  – B.O.B. ft. Hayley Williams & Eminem

Highlight: The fact that it would still be a hit song without B.O.B.; just Hailey Williams singing her part (only 20 words) over and over.

Woohoo – Christina Aguilera ft. Nicki Minaj

Highlight: Nicki Minaj: “When you work your tongue, can I hire you?”

Amazing – Inna

Highlight: The way Inna says “Fire” & “Higher”.

Firework – Katy Perry

Highlight: “Make them go Ahh, Ahh, Ahh, as you shoot across the sky, ayy, ayy”.

So…what’s YOUR Top song of 2010?


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