If you know this girl, hit me up. We’ll party.

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So there’s this girl who’s been uploading videos on Facebook, telling her friends how homosexuality is “a grave sin in God”.

And that’s fine.

I mean… she’s a homophobe. And that’s how a homophobe speaks. That’s not why I’m blogging about this.

I’m just concerned about her friends. At the end of one of her videos, she says: “Homosexual people do have a choice, big time. You can do something about it. You can do it on your own or you can use some help. And I offer free help“.

She’s offering free help! Ya mama! That’s why I’m blogging about this. I would hate for anyone to go to her for some help and guidance.

So if you’re this girl’s friend, coworker, or family member, who’s still figuring out things and sexuality, just know… it’s okay. You’re amazing just the way you are. Not just in a Bruno Mars kind of way. You don’t need a shrink. You don’t need her to “change” because you don’t NEED to “change”. Being gay is awesome. You don’t need to repent. You can still believe in God like some of my friends do, or not. Doesn’t matter. You’ll still be alright. Don’t go to her for guidance. Hit me up. We can go have a drink or party (yes, even if you’re underage. I’m not a regular boy. I’m a cool boy). I’ll tell you all about being gay. I’ll show you how it’s awesome. I’ll hook you up. It’s all good.

Check out the girl’s videos on Facebook below. They have funny moments. But they’re mostly sad. Oh, and you can watch her in HD.

Video 1: The grave, grave sin which is homosexuality

Video 2: Homosexuals are people in the image of God

Video 3: Homosexuals have a choice

My Epic Grindr Fails

You know how it goes:

– You chat with someone

– They turn out to be an idiot

– You screenshot the chat and send it to your friend on Whatsapp

So allow me to present some of my most epic fails in recent history. (And when you’re done, check out other cool ones here)

Want your own epic chat fails to be featured on this blog?

Send a screenshot of the fail to: therealshit11@gmail.com

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Stay tuned for more…

Happy hunting!

You Fucking Idiot

So yesterday, Lebanon and I had one thing in common: we both got fucked.

Lebanon was hit by the Zeina storm (floods, strong wind, billboards falling on the street, Byblos port practically drowning) and I… was struck by sickness.

As I lay in my bed sneezing my ass off, covered under two piles of blankets, I started experiencing what any red-blooded mammal experiences when they’re this sick and cold: the love blues.

You know how it is. You might think of a past relationship, the reasons why it didn’t work out, or how, if the circumstances were different, he would have been snuggling with you and massaging your head as the outside world falls apart. It’s basically a pathetic moment. Absolutely normal. But pathetic.

That’s when my dad enters the room. I don’t know how he built the courage to enter that germ fest, but he does. And I know exactly what he’s gonna do. It’s something he’s been doing since I was born. He walks towards my bed, lifts up the two blankets covering my legs, and caresses my freezing feet. In an instant, I go from 27 to 5 years old, and giggle out loud like a child.

Then I think to myself: “You idiot. You fucking idiot”.

I’m craving that love and affection from a man who consciously chose to walk out of my life, when there’s an unconditional love lying in the other room, which I’ve neglected. That 27-year-in-the-making love that doesn’t check your text messages, get jealous, or emotionally abuse you. That kind of love that just wants you to be happy.

Now sure, there are some things a parent can’t offer. Like my dad will not go down on me when I have morning wood. But it’s good to recognize the purity of that “original” love. The feelings you have for your parents, your sister, your brother… that’s also love. It’s probably the longest-lasting love you’ll ever have. And that’s fucking awesome.

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How I found the one and shat all over it

All my life, I dreamt of how I’d meet prince charming. I’d drop some books on the street and he’d help me pick them up. I’d be on the bus and he’d take a seat next to me.

But screw those cliches.

I met my prince charming at an orgy.

Didn’t know what to expect when I walked into that room. It was my first time at an orgy so I was nervous as hell. Told the guy who invited me I wouldn’t participate; would just watch and satisfy the voyeur in me.

Saw the people. No one was my type. No one. Except this guy. While people were getting freaky inside, there was one guy who sat on the sofa watching TV in his undies. He looked cute. But I didn’t know how cute he was until later on. I was too intimidated to make a move and went inside to see all the action.

15 minutes later, I started getting in the mood. I took my shirt off and got a hard on at all the sights I was seeing. Took a break and got out of the room. Oh shit! I see Mister Right wearing his clothes and getting ready to leave.

Ummm… no. This hot guy won’t slip away from my fingers. You know how hard it is to find The One at an orgy? Very. I decided: “There’s no way in hell he’s leaving”.

So I head over to him. He was talking to the orgy organizer who was convincing him to stay. “Yeah, man. Don’t leave”, I say, and introduce myself. I put my hands on him and unbutton his shirt. He smiles.

Fuck, this guy’s not cute. He’s hot. He’s the perfect hot boy next door. The epitome of my type. With the perfect smile. And it seemed that he liked me as well… because he didn’t leave. He took his shirt off and stripped back to his underwear.

I grab his hand and usher him to the bathroom. Yes, the bathroom. I’m not gonna fuck prince charming in front of everyone on the bed. This is personal. This is romance. This is our first time.

Now we’re in the bathroom. Both in our underwear. Kissing passionately. Sparks are flying. I couldn’t believe I got that lucky at an orgy. I might just end up with true love Instead of ending up with an STD. I remove his underwear and put his cock in my mouth. Suck on it like you would your lover. His moans… oh, his manly moans. Was like sucking off a straight guy. Total turn on.

My ass was ready. I grab a condom and put it on him. Some lube, and he was inside me.

“Ahhh… fuck”, we both screamed.

We were one. United. He could feel my insides beating and I could sense him throbbing inside me. What better feeling?

As he’s fucking me hard, I smell something fishy. Could it be? No, it can’t be.

I look at him and he has the most horrified look on his face.

“What’s wrong?”, I ask.

“Ummm…”, he mumbled.

I don’t think he had the heart to say it. Or the stomach.

I take his cock out of my ass and look at it.

Shit! (Not the expression. But the actual feces.)

“Oh my God”, I screamed out loud. There was actual shit on his dick.

I came to the orgy unprepared and didn’t clean my ass. What was I thinking? How could I let someone fuck me without emptying my fucking bowels?

Do you know the meaning of the word “mortified”? I was mortified. Ever since that night, I use that word wisely. Because nothing… and I mean nothing… is more mortifying that taking a dump on a beautiful guy (unless he asks for it which is a totally different scenario).

“Sorry, man. I didn’t clean. I’m so sorry”, I was embarrassed.

“It’s okay, it happens”. Sweet words, but the boy was traumatized.

I stand up and touch my ass. It wasn’t just the hole. There was shit on my fucking cheeks. Like, really? Is this really happening? By now, the whole room smelled like a sewer. I take a tissue, clean up a bit, try to salvage the situation.

Now he’s getting ready to leave because his boner’s dead.

He reassures me: “It’s okay”. He cleans himself up.

But I didn’t want him to leave. I was adamant on making this work. This shit won’t slow me down.

I make him sit down, remove the now chocolate-colored condom, and play with his dick. I suck that mother off like there’s no tomorrow, all while trying to act like I don’t smell the shit. He’s trying to focus as well. I mean, there’s shit all over the place. Even a bit on my hands.

The guy’s a trooper. He cums. He actually enjoyed it. I could tell. Either that or he was so in a hurry to get the fuck out that he forcibly released that shit.

He came and he was out of there faster than you can say
“heydon’tleaveyou’retheonesorryIshatalloveryoucanIpleasegetyournumber”.

And he was out of there. And I was left all alone in that bathroom to pick up the pieces. And clean the shit.

I told the orgy organizer what happened and told him to contact him on Whatsapp and give him my number. He never contacted me. A part of me was offended. Another part of me was like “duhh you idiot”.

That night, I learned two things.

– Never have sex without cleaning up

– Love conquers all. But not shit.

Bro

Spent years wondering how I’d come out to you.

Scenario 1: I’d drop the bombshell at your wedding. Yes, at the altar. “Bro, I’m gay. But think of it this way, I’d never put you through the torture of being the best man”.

Scenario 2: At our parent’s funeral. I figure you wouldn’t punch me in the face while you’re crying.

Scenario 3: You’d walk in on me fucking a guy. Well, in that case I wouldn’t have to come out.

Little did I know it would happen when I least expected it: at my party. I wanted you to come for a reason: to let you into my world. But I never thought I’d have the balls to come out to you then. Guess I still wasn’t ready.

So all these gay people are sitting on the stairs. My gay friends are dancing. And you’re sippin’ on a drink, telling me: “Wow… that’s a lot of gay people”.

I couldn’t help it. The words just came out. “You know I’m gay right?”

And then you said the sweetest word a little brother could ever say. It really fills my heart with warmth.

“Duhhhhh”.

Then you laughed.

And that was it. I never thought one simple one-syllable word could bring me that much joy.

I don’t know how you grew up to be so open-minded and accepting of people around you (I’d like to think the Will and Grace episodes I exposed you to played a role) but I’m happy you are.

I really lucked out in the bro department. Here’s to you habibi.

And GUTTER Was Born

Gay scene, rejoice. You have a new party concept.

It’s called GUTTER, a party worth the dirt.

That’s where you’ll find me this Friday.

A night of unconventional art, loud music, sexy dancing, and impressive live shows. Never mind the dirt.

FB COVER

Date: Friday, November 8
Venue: Artheum – Art Lounge (Karantina)
Time: 9PM

Check out GUTTER on Facebook:

Page Link: https://www.facebook.com/gutter
Event Link: https://www.facebook.com/events/561095360627574/

138 Days Later

“138 days later”.

Sounds like a post-apocalyptic movie title, don’t it?

Was passing by Mar Mitr this week and I was so happy to see the lovely Lebanon IDAHO posters that I put up with my friends back in May. Yes, you can still see remnants of those posters around Beirut. 🙂

Puts a smile on my face whenever I see the posters still standing, even if butchered. I get especially ecstatic when a poster still looks good as new. Like this one…

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