His Epic Grindr Fails

So my friend was visiting Lebanon from the States last month. He would tell you eating at Roadster and ZwZ were the highlights of his trip, but I also know he secretly enjoyed the many facepalm moments courtesy of Grindr.

His fails put mine to shame. “Waiter at Moulin D’or”? Epicness.

Enjoy, and keep sending your epic Grindr fails to therealshit11@gmail.com. Because remember, your fail can make a difference. Well, not really. But it’ll make someone LOL. And that’s almost as awesome.

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As a gay kid, I used to feel like I was the only gay kid in the world. Heck, I used to feel like the only gay human being in the world. Well that’s until I saw other “gayer” and more flamboyant gay kids at school, but that’s another story.

Sorry, I digress…

Nowadays, I feel like there are so many gay people around that I’m just another number. I don’t feel as special. And you know what? It hurts.

But again, I digress.

So ever since re-installing my Grindr Xtra (yes, I have Grindr Xtra and I’m not afraid to say it or use it) in mid-October, I’ve chatted with 1114 guys. That’s 1114 guys in 3 months! People, that’s one thousand one hundred and fourteen guys in 90 days. That’s an average of 12.37 guys for each of those 90 days. Now I’m sure there are many of you out there with higher numbers, but still, it amazes me.

First of all, I didn’t know there were this many gay people in the country. And that’s coming from a gay guy.

Second of all… no words, really. Let’s just leave it at that.

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If you know this girl, hit me up. We’ll party.

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So there’s this girl who’s been uploading videos on Facebook, telling her friends how homosexuality is “a grave sin in God”.

And that’s fine.

I mean… she’s a homophobe. And that’s how a homophobe speaks. That’s not why I’m blogging about this.

I’m just concerned about her friends. At the end of one of her videos, she says: “Homosexual people do have a choice, big time. You can do something about it. You can do it on your own or you can use some help. And I offer free help“.

She’s offering free help! Ya mama! That’s why I’m blogging about this. I would hate for anyone to go to her for some help and guidance.

So if you’re this girl’s friend, coworker, or family member, who’s still figuring out things and sexuality, just know… it’s okay. You’re amazing just the way you are. Not just in a Bruno Mars kind of way. You don’t need a shrink. You don’t need her to “change” because you don’t NEED to “change”. Being gay is awesome. You don’t need to repent. You can still believe in God like some of my friends do, or not. Doesn’t matter. You’ll still be alright. Don’t go to her for guidance. Hit me up. We can go have a drink or party (yes, even if you’re underage. I’m not a regular boy. I’m a cool boy). I’ll tell you all about being gay. I’ll show you how it’s awesome. I’ll hook you up. It’s all good.

Check out the girl’s videos on Facebook below. They have funny moments. But they’re mostly sad. Oh, and you can watch her in HD.

Video 1: The grave, grave sin which is homosexuality

Video 2: Homosexuals are people in the image of God

Video 3: Homosexuals have a choice

My Epic Grindr Fails

You know how it goes:

– You chat with someone

– They turn out to be an idiot

– You screenshot the chat and send it to your friend on Whatsapp

So allow me to present some of my most epic fails in recent history. (And when you’re done, check out other cool ones here)

Want your own epic chat fails to be featured on this blog?

Send a screenshot of the fail to: therealshit11@gmail.com

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Stay tuned for more…

Happy hunting!

How I found the one and shat all over it

All my life, I dreamt of how I’d meet prince charming. I’d drop some books on the street and he’d help me pick them up. I’d be on the bus and he’d take a seat next to me.

But screw those cliches.

I met my prince charming at an orgy.

Didn’t know what to expect when I walked into that room. It was my first time at an orgy so I was nervous as hell. Told the guy who invited me I wouldn’t participate; would just watch and satisfy the voyeur in me.

Saw the people. No one was my type. No one. Except this guy. While people were getting freaky inside, there was one guy who sat on the sofa watching TV in his undies. He looked cute. But I didn’t know how cute he was until later on. I was too intimidated to make a move and went inside to see all the action.

15 minutes later, I started getting in the mood. I took my shirt off and got a hard on at all the sights I was seeing. Took a break and got out of the room. Oh shit! I see Mister Right wearing his clothes and getting ready to leave.

Ummm… no. This hot guy won’t slip away from my fingers. You know how hard it is to find The One at an orgy? Very. I decided: “There’s no way in hell he’s leaving”.

So I head over to him. He was talking to the orgy organizer who was convincing him to stay. “Yeah, man. Don’t leave”, I say, and introduce myself. I put my hands on him and unbutton his shirt. He smiles.

Fuck, this guy’s not cute. He’s hot. He’s the perfect hot boy next door. The epitome of my type. With the perfect smile. And it seemed that he liked me as well… because he didn’t leave. He took his shirt off and stripped back to his underwear.

I grab his hand and usher him to the bathroom. Yes, the bathroom. I’m not gonna fuck prince charming in front of everyone on the bed. This is personal. This is romance. This is our first time.

Now we’re in the bathroom. Both in our underwear. Kissing passionately. Sparks are flying. I couldn’t believe I got that lucky at an orgy. I might just end up with true love Instead of ending up with an STD. I remove his underwear and put his cock in my mouth. Suck on it like you would your lover. His moans… oh, his manly moans. Was like sucking off a straight guy. Total turn on.

My ass was ready. I grab a condom and put it on him. Some lube, and he was inside me.

“Ahhh… fuck”, we both screamed.

We were one. United. He could feel my insides beating and I could sense him throbbing inside me. What better feeling?

As he’s fucking me hard, I smell something fishy. Could it be? No, it can’t be.

I look at him and he has the most horrified look on his face.

“What’s wrong?”, I ask.

“Ummm…”, he mumbled.

I don’t think he had the heart to say it. Or the stomach.

I take his cock out of my ass and look at it.

Shit! (Not the expression. But the actual feces.)

“Oh my God”, I screamed out loud. There was actual shit on his dick.

I came to the orgy unprepared and didn’t clean my ass. What was I thinking? How could I let someone fuck me without emptying my fucking bowels?

Do you know the meaning of the word “mortified”? I was mortified. Ever since that night, I use that word wisely. Because nothing… and I mean nothing… is more mortifying that taking a dump on a beautiful guy (unless he asks for it which is a totally different scenario).

“Sorry, man. I didn’t clean. I’m so sorry”, I was embarrassed.

“It’s okay, it happens”. Sweet words, but the boy was traumatized.

I stand up and touch my ass. It wasn’t just the hole. There was shit on my fucking cheeks. Like, really? Is this really happening? By now, the whole room smelled like a sewer. I take a tissue, clean up a bit, try to salvage the situation.

Now he’s getting ready to leave because his boner’s dead.

He reassures me: “It’s okay”. He cleans himself up.

But I didn’t want him to leave. I was adamant on making this work. This shit won’t slow me down.

I make him sit down, remove the now chocolate-colored condom, and play with his dick. I suck that mother off like there’s no tomorrow, all while trying to act like I don’t smell the shit. He’s trying to focus as well. I mean, there’s shit all over the place. Even a bit on my hands.

The guy’s a trooper. He cums. He actually enjoyed it. I could tell. Either that or he was so in a hurry to get the fuck out that he forcibly released that shit.

He came and he was out of there faster than you can say
“heydon’tleaveyou’retheonesorryIshatalloveryoucanIpleasegetyournumber”.

And he was out of there. And I was left all alone in that bathroom to pick up the pieces. And clean the shit.

I told the orgy organizer what happened and told him to contact him on Whatsapp and give him my number. He never contacted me. A part of me was offended. Another part of me was like “duhh you idiot”.

That night, I learned two things.

– Never have sex without cleaning up

– Love conquers all. But not shit.

A Night Out in Acid

My friend’s friend goes there to have sex with seven strangers in the parking lot. He blew every single one of them.

Bitches go there to practice the new dance moves they saw in the latest Lady Gaga video.

Trannies go there to party and feel comfortable in their own skin, shaking their derrières for the world to see.

Zuhair goes there to get some pussy. He thinks at least one of those bisexual women would be interested in boning him.

Effeminate boys don their favorite short shorts, climb on the ‘cube’ and dance. They know everyone in the club is lookin at them, talkin about them. [“Can that bitch please stop eyeing my boyfriend?”, “Yiii leik hayde shu mam7oune?”, “Okay, his ass is hotter than my giflfriend’s!”]

My friend goes there cause he just had a big fight with his boyfriend and needs to shake the stress off. He urges us not to tell his boyfriend he went there.

My other friend goes there to show off those abs and chest muscles he’s been workin on for two months. It’d be such a shame to let all this hotness go unnoticed.

Kev, who just broke up with his boyfriend of 9 months, is also there with a new eye candy on his arm. He knows his ex will be there and will be furious when he sees that Kev has “moved on”.

Lina and Fatima go there every Saturday. They’ve been together for 2 years and counting. They go inside, stare into each other’s eyes, hug and kiss all night long like they’re the only ones in the room.

I went to Acid yesterday to sing, dance, and laugh my ass off with my friends.

Everyone goes to Acid, supposedly the first gay nightclub in the Middle East, for a reason.

But you don’t go to Acid to find love.

You don’t go to Acid to build friendships.

You do go to Acid to have a good time, dance, scream, sing, jump around, act crazy, dirty dance with a few friends (or strangers), drink your ass off, run into a High School classmate who you didn’t know was gay, get a couple of numbers, have a one night stand, and of course, gossip at the ‘ugly’ boy next to you cause you know he’s currently dating your ex.

LMAO.

Noticed some “What the fuck are Acid’s cubes?” answers.

Okay so for those of you who donno what they are. They’re…well…CUBES (three dimensional squares) on the right and left sides of the club.

You climb on them if you’re confident enough to dance and get noticed by everyone in the club who’ll be checkin out ur every move, judging you. Sounds fun, doesn’t it?

The cube floor fits 10 people max so if it’s really crowded, don’t dance there, or you’ll get thrown off if you’re drunk enough.

Me and my friends always pay a visit to those cubes whenever “our song!!!” is playin!