You Know Nothing, Beirut Boy

After 7 years of livin’ la vida gay

After 601 published posts

After coming out (and being outed) to my family

After falling in love 3 times

After dumping and getting dumped 6 times

After 70 nights of getting shit-faced at a gay club

After weeks of waitressing and serving hundreds of drunk lesbians

After 2 years of non-stop hustling at my day job

After 60 blowjobs

After 11 ecstasy pills and 65 Marlboro Light packs

After 100 kisses, 20 fucks, 2 orgies, 75 one night stands

I can honestly say that I’ve learned absolutely nothing.

Well, that’s not entirely true. I have learned how to take dick pretty well. But that’s about it.

The more I feel, the less I know.

The more I go out, and live, and love, the more I realize I know nothing.

I can give life advice and relationship tips to you and my friends all day long, bass walla, I’m just as clueless as you are.

And you know what? We’re 20-something, we’re gay, we live in Lebanon, under abnormal circumstances. We’re not supposed to know everything. We’re supposed to be beautifully complex (otherwise known as “fucked up”) creatures who know absolutely nothing. This is the time for loving hard, hating harder, living fast, trial and error (lots of error), bad decisions, regrets, and the occasional wonderful surprises.

So here’s to all of us, who know absolutely nothing.


My really bad date with a scumbag.

Once upon a time, I dated a scumbag.

Our first date was in Starbucks. Everything’s goin well. His teeth are too big for my taste but who cares as long as they don’t get in the way of a good blow job, right?

Suddenly, I get a Bluetooth message on my cellphone. I’m actually on a date and already men are fighting over me! Damn, I’m good!

Red flag #1:

If you’re excited about a Bluetooth message from a stranger called “Seedi Hambolli” more than your date, ditch the date!

So I tell my date that I got this Bluetooth message. I’m not a 100% sure but I think I saw him turn on his Bluetooth before he suspiciously entered the bathroom. Was he trying to connect with “Seedi Hambolli?” I will never know.

Red flag #2:

If your date is excited about connecting with a total stranger called “Seedi Hambolli” more than you, ditch the bitch!

During the date, he tells me he broke up with his boyfriend 4 days ago.

Red flag #3:

No need to elaborate. You’re smarter than that, sweety. Ever heard of ‘rebound’? Red fucking flags all over.

Date’s over. I go home. 2 weeks later, we go out on a second date. We meet next to his workplace where his “ex” also works. He tells me he needs to enter the store. I repeat. The store where his ex works!

Red flag #4:

Snap out of it! He’s using you to make his ex jealous.

We get into his car and drive around. He tells me his “ex” is no longer his ex. They actually got back together a while ago.

Red flag #5:

The sane thing to do is tell him to stop the car, then get out with your head held high! You are not to be treated like a second hand vibrator.

So I didn’t do the sane thing. Sue me! I don’t remember how exactly, but we end up in his “chalet”, but I assure him that “we’re just friends” and will not be doing the nasty nasty.

I enter this chalet and it is an utter fucking mess.

Red flag #6:

If your date takes you to a chalet that resembles a dumpster and smells like diarrhea, he only thinks of you as a cheap fuck. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, but the sick fuck should clean the house before making a move.

So we sit on his mess of a bed which he prolly fucked his boyfriend on that morning, doing what friends do. Then out of nowhere, his lesbian friend drops by without saying a proper hello, goes straight to the bathroom, and shits with the door open!

Red flag #7:

If your date hears the shit-shots his friend is making in the bathroom and doesn’t respect you enough to close the damn door, get out while you can still breathe.

Then the unimaginable happens. All of a sudden, out of all people, his boyfriend enters the chalet. WHILE I’m on the bed. NEXT to his boyfriend.

Red flag #8:

You’re in a chalet with a guy. You can hear his friend calling for Kleenex to wipe her ass. His boyfriend walks in on your “date” and acts really nice to you when he’s supposed to rip you to shreds. What do you do? You get the fuck out!

Who are these people? Was his boyfriend so oblivious to the fact that his boyfriend wanted some casual sex with a guy and went to the chalet with him? Were they looking for a threesome? Were they in an open relationship?

Whatever the fuck they were. That was not me. So I got the fuck out of there with my head held high! Well, sort of. He drove me back home.

I saw him and his boyfriend together a while ago. Looks like they’re still together. Ignorance really is bliss.

Do you think you can top off my really bad date with this guy? Feel free to share your story below =)