You Fucking Idiot

So yesterday, Lebanon and I had one thing in common: we both got fucked.

Lebanon was hit by the Zeina storm (floods, strong wind, billboards falling on the street, Byblos port practically drowning) and I… was struck by sickness.

As I lay in my bed sneezing my ass off, covered under two piles of blankets, I started experiencing what any red-blooded mammal experiences when they’re this sick and cold: the love blues.

You know how it is. You might think of a past relationship, the reasons why it didn’t work out, or how, if the circumstances were different, he would have been snuggling with you and massaging your head as the outside world falls apart. It’s basically a pathetic moment. Absolutely normal. But pathetic.

That’s when my dad enters the room. I don’t know how he built the courage to enter that germ fest, but he does. And I know exactly what he’s gonna do. It’s something he’s been doing since I was born. He walks towards my bed, lifts up the two blankets covering my legs, and caresses my freezing feet. In an instant, I go from 27 to 5 years old, and giggle out loud like a child.

Then I think to myself: “You idiot. You fucking idiot”.

I’m craving that love and affection from a man who consciously chose to walk out of my life, when there’s an unconditional love lying in the other room, which I’ve neglected. That 27-year-in-the-making love that doesn’t check your text messages, get jealous, or emotionally abuse you. That kind of love that just wants you to be happy.

Now sure, there are some things a parent can’t offer. Like my dad will not go down on me when I have morning wood. But it’s good to recognize the purity of that “original” love. The feelings you have for your parents, your sister, your brother… that’s also love. It’s probably the longest-lasting love you’ll ever have. And that’s fucking awesome.

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You Know Nothing, Beirut Boy

After 7 years of livin’ la vida gay

After 601 published posts

After coming out (and being outed) to my family

After falling in love 3 times

After dumping and getting dumped 6 times

After 70 nights of getting shit-faced at a gay club

After weeks of waitressing and serving hundreds of drunk lesbians

After 2 years of non-stop hustling at my day job

After 60 blowjobs

After 11 ecstasy pills and 65 Marlboro Light packs

After 100 kisses, 20 fucks, 2 orgies, 75 one night stands

I can honestly say that I’ve learned absolutely nothing.

Well, that’s not entirely true. I have learned how to take dick pretty well. But that’s about it.

The more I feel, the less I know.

The more I go out, and live, and love, the more I realize I know nothing.

I can give life advice and relationship tips to you and my friends all day long, bass walla, I’m just as clueless as you are.

And you know what? We’re 20-something, we’re gay, we live in Lebanon, under abnormal circumstances. We’re not supposed to know everything. We’re supposed to be beautifully complex (otherwise known as “fucked up”) creatures who know absolutely nothing. This is the time for loving hard, hating harder, living fast, trial and error (lots of error), bad decisions, regrets, and the occasional wonderful surprises.

So here’s to all of us, who know absolutely nothing.

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How I found the one and shat all over it

All my life, I dreamt of how I’d meet prince charming. I’d drop some books on the street and he’d help me pick them up. I’d be on the bus and he’d take a seat next to me.

But screw those cliches.

I met my prince charming at an orgy.

Didn’t know what to expect when I walked into that room. It was my first time at an orgy so I was nervous as hell. Told the guy who invited me I wouldn’t participate; would just watch and satisfy the voyeur in me.

Saw the people. No one was my type. No one. Except this guy. While people were getting freaky inside, there was one guy who sat on the sofa watching TV in his undies. He looked cute. But I didn’t know how cute he was until later on. I was too intimidated to make a move and went inside to see all the action.

15 minutes later, I started getting in the mood. I took my shirt off and got a hard on at all the sights I was seeing. Took a break and got out of the room. Oh shit! I see Mister Right wearing his clothes and getting ready to leave.

Ummm… no. This hot guy won’t slip away from my fingers. You know how hard it is to find The One at an orgy? Very. I decided: “There’s no way in hell he’s leaving”.

So I head over to him. He was talking to the orgy organizer who was convincing him to stay. “Yeah, man. Don’t leave”, I say, and introduce myself. I put my hands on him and unbutton his shirt. He smiles.

Fuck, this guy’s not cute. He’s hot. He’s the perfect hot boy next door. The epitome of my type. With the perfect smile. And it seemed that he liked me as well… because he didn’t leave. He took his shirt off and stripped back to his underwear.

I grab his hand and usher him to the bathroom. Yes, the bathroom. I’m not gonna fuck prince charming in front of everyone on the bed. This is personal. This is romance. This is our first time.

Now we’re in the bathroom. Both in our underwear. Kissing passionately. Sparks are flying. I couldn’t believe I got that lucky at an orgy. I might just end up with true love Instead of ending up with an STD. I remove his underwear and put his cock in my mouth. Suck on it like you would your lover. His moans… oh, his manly moans. Was like sucking off a straight guy. Total turn on.

My ass was ready. I grab a condom and put it on him. Some lube, and he was inside me.

“Ahhh… fuck”, we both screamed.

We were one. United. He could feel my insides beating and I could sense him throbbing inside me. What better feeling?

As he’s fucking me hard, I smell something fishy. Could it be? No, it can’t be.

I look at him and he has the most horrified look on his face.

“What’s wrong?”, I ask.

“Ummm…”, he mumbled.

I don’t think he had the heart to say it. Or the stomach.

I take his cock out of my ass and look at it.

Shit! (Not the expression. But the actual feces.)

“Oh my God”, I screamed out loud. There was actual shit on his dick.

I came to the orgy unprepared and didn’t clean my ass. What was I thinking? How could I let someone fuck me without emptying my fucking bowels?

Do you know the meaning of the word “mortified”? I was mortified. Ever since that night, I use that word wisely. Because nothing… and I mean nothing… is more mortifying that taking a dump on a beautiful guy (unless he asks for it which is a totally different scenario).

“Sorry, man. I didn’t clean. I’m so sorry”, I was embarrassed.

“It’s okay, it happens”. Sweet words, but the boy was traumatized.

I stand up and touch my ass. It wasn’t just the hole. There was shit on my fucking cheeks. Like, really? Is this really happening? By now, the whole room smelled like a sewer. I take a tissue, clean up a bit, try to salvage the situation.

Now he’s getting ready to leave because his boner’s dead.

He reassures me: “It’s okay”. He cleans himself up.

But I didn’t want him to leave. I was adamant on making this work. This shit won’t slow me down.

I make him sit down, remove the now chocolate-colored condom, and play with his dick. I suck that mother off like there’s no tomorrow, all while trying to act like I don’t smell the shit. He’s trying to focus as well. I mean, there’s shit all over the place. Even a bit on my hands.

The guy’s a trooper. He cums. He actually enjoyed it. I could tell. Either that or he was so in a hurry to get the fuck out that he forcibly released that shit.

He came and he was out of there faster than you can say
“heydon’tleaveyou’retheonesorryIshatalloveryoucanIpleasegetyournumber”.

And he was out of there. And I was left all alone in that bathroom to pick up the pieces. And clean the shit.

I told the orgy organizer what happened and told him to contact him on Whatsapp and give him my number. He never contacted me. A part of me was offended. Another part of me was like “duhh you idiot”.

That night, I learned two things.

– Never have sex without cleaning up

– Love conquers all. But not shit.

Bro

Spent years wondering how I’d come out to you.

Scenario 1: I’d drop the bombshell at your wedding. Yes, at the altar. “Bro, I’m gay. But think of it this way, I’d never put you through the torture of being the best man”.

Scenario 2: At our parent’s funeral. I figure you wouldn’t punch me in the face while you’re crying.

Scenario 3: You’d walk in on me fucking a guy. Well, in that case I wouldn’t have to come out.

Little did I know it would happen when I least expected it: at my party. I wanted you to come for a reason: to let you into my world. But I never thought I’d have the balls to come out to you then. Guess I still wasn’t ready.

So all these gay people are sitting on the stairs. My gay friends are dancing. And you’re sippin’ on a drink, telling me: “Wow… that’s a lot of gay people”.

I couldn’t help it. The words just came out. “You know I’m gay right?”

And then you said the sweetest word a little brother could ever say. It really fills my heart with warmth.

“Duhhhhh”.

Then you laughed.

And that was it. I never thought one simple one-syllable word could bring me that much joy.

I don’t know how you grew up to be so open-minded and accepting of people around you (I’d like to think the Will and Grace episodes I exposed you to played a role) but I’m happy you are.

I really lucked out in the bro department. Here’s to you habibi.

And GUTTER Was Born

Gay scene, rejoice. You have a new party concept.

It’s called GUTTER, a party worth the dirt.

That’s where you’ll find me this Friday.

A night of unconventional art, loud music, sexy dancing, and impressive live shows. Never mind the dirt.

FB COVER

Date: Friday, November 8
Venue: Artheum – Art Lounge (Karantina)
Time: 9PM

Check out GUTTER on Facebook:

Page Link: https://www.facebook.com/gutter
Event Link: https://www.facebook.com/events/561095360627574/

138 Days Later

“138 days later”.

Sounds like a post-apocalyptic movie title, don’t it?

Was passing by Mar Mitr this week and I was so happy to see the lovely Lebanon IDAHO posters that I put up with my friends back in May. Yes, you can still see remnants of those posters around Beirut. 🙂

Puts a smile on my face whenever I see the posters still standing, even if butchered. I get especially ecstatic when a poster still looks good as new. Like this one…

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Click here to check out my Twitter page!


MTV Shamelessly Outs Arrested Gay Men

So two gay men who were fooling around in the car in Ashrafieh got arrested for committing lewd acts in public.

BUT as if getting arrested for gay sex isn’t bad enough…

Now they’re being outed by MTV on its website! Their first and last name, (no none of that initials shit), their mothers’ names, and their date of birth, are all mentioned!

While MTV was at it, it should have also mentioned their blood types in case they need some emergency blood donation after bleeding to death when getting fucked by an egg in prison, don’t ya think?

I don’t get why MTV exposed the guys like that. Does it think it’s about journalistic integrity?

I mean, even the Lebanese Government didn’t mention the full names of the boys and instead opted to mention their names. And that’s the GOVERNMENT!

I just feel bad for those two boys. Everyone has sex in the car. They were just unlucky. And now you got this asshole on a news desk mentioning their mothers’ names. Like, what a freak.

Ghostbar Shut Down

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UPDATE: April 22, 2013

White Ghost (previously Ghostbar) has been shut down yet again.

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As for the news below, it was written on September 6, 2011:

Ya fette7 ya rezze2. It’s 9:10 am, and already things are getting exciting…but not in a good way.

Seems like the Lebanese government loves to hunt down gay clubs in September.

Remember how last year the government shut down Acid? Well apparently, Ghostbar has also been forced to close!

I found out about this news thanks to Roy & Big_Perto who both posted comments on the blog concerning this issue. So thanks a lot you guys.

It’s worthy to note that Acid & Ghostbar were run by the same management. Coincidence?

I’m getting sick of drawing a red X on gay club logos.

but here it goes…

Bye Bye Acid. w Bye Bye Ghostbar.

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UPDATE: (Afternoon of September 6, 2011)

I passed by and took pics of Ghostbar.

Was the first time I see the place.

It is indeed closed “bil sham3 el a7mar”.

According to the paper posted on the door, the decision to close the club was issued yesterday (September 5).

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UPDATE:

Ghostbar Marketing Representative posted on my blog. According to him, the closure is not related to any gay issue, and the club will reopen this weekend.

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The BORING & INTERESTING sides of this building

At first glance, this might seem as a boring old building in Mar Mkhayel.

The boring side of the building

What do you do to make it more interesting and memorable?

Why, paint on it of course!

The "interesting" side of the building

Now that’s much much better.

Destroying Beirut

Time Magazine (August 16, 1982)

On August 16, 1982, Beirut was on the cover of Time Magazine because it was getting bombed by the Israeli military.

On August 16, 2010, I feel like this haunting image could come back to life as we speak.

The Lebanese haven’t learned.

The so called “leaders of our country” sure haven’t learned.

And when people don’t learn from their mistakes, they easily go back to that haunting image on the Time cover.

Just don’t let Beirut pay for your stupid fucked up mistakes.

It has suffered enough.

Peace out.