NSFW: طيابك يا صبي

Sitting on the ledge of the roof.
My legs wrapped around your waist.
The wolves are howling.
Beirut is silent.
That’s our now.

Smoke in the sky.
Stars in our eyes.
Beit Mery in our lungs.
Liquid in our courage.
Tomorrow is but an option.

Two dollars in our pockets.
A thousand possibilities.
One shot.
No repeats.
The clock says 12:20 am. And that’s where it stops.

“Can we stay here all night?”.
“Only if you…”.
A whisper in my left ear.
A moan begging for mercy.
There’s no pill involved. But this is ecstasy.

All the years we sinned.
All the shadows we chased.
If I die right now,
I would have lived.

12

Jan.3

Words I never thought I’d say: “I’m over you”.
Now I’m smiling as you dance with three guys who are all over you.

Remember when I begged you to dump your boyfriend for me?
Now I’m cheering you on while you’re high on Molly.

Your name: four letters.
Four years to get over you.
One year for each letter.
I wasted so much time being bitter.
I put some E in it. Now I’m much better.
Finally quit the game.
Finally quit the player.

You: the hardest thing I ever had to get over.
Fuck nicotine.
My addiction was on another level. Amphetamine.

I never thought we would come to this. Ever.
Guess it gets tiring. Saying “I want you”, then picking your heart up from the gutter.
I never thought it would come to this. Ever.
Seeing you dance with somebody else and call them a lover.
Watching you kiss someone else and not fight a motherfucker.

I got over you.
Don’t ask me how.
Don’t ask me why.
If I said I was upset, it’d be a lie.

Laser lights hit our pretty faces.
I can’t believe we’re here. Out of all the places…
“Do I love you?”, I ask myself as I touch your face.
Now I realize I lost love in a hook-up place.

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4 AM

I see us in a cheap restaurant bathroom at 5 am. You say: “Go inside and pee while you look at the floor.” I say: “You don’t know what you’re talking about. You’re drunk”. You jump around like a kid: “I’m serious. Do it. It’s very trippy”. You were totally right.

I see you at grandpa’s funeral. It was the first time I see you cry. I see me wanting to steal that pain from you. I see me failing.

I see me lying alone in your bed. Young, free, late for work. I hear some weird noise getting louder and louder, getting closer and closer towards the bedroom door. You enter holding a cake singing Happy Birthday.

I see you in your swimsuit, throwing up in the bathroom. I see me patting you on the back while drinking my 10th cup of tap water. I had never felt so alive.

I see us in bed. I see you telling me “I love you”. I see me smiling, not knowing what to say.

I see us hungover, sitting on a bench at Ain Mreisseh watching the sunrise. Knowing everything. And knowing nothing at all.

I see you telling me: “I wanted to drive the car through a wall so that we both die. I would rather do that than have a son who’s gay”. I see me believing you.

I see you in drag, changing your outfit every 5 minutes. I had never seen you more free.

I see me having a smoke on your balcony. You say: “I don’t believe in God, either”. On the outside, I gently nod. On the inside, I am ecstatic.

I see me having a bad trip in the bedroom, whirling around like a Sufi dervish. “If this is death, I beg you, I don’t want to die”, I screamed inside my head.

I see you outside Bardo. Kissing someone. You looked very happy.

I see a lettuce and a cabbage lying next to each other in a sad grocery store, and I burst out laughing. No people would think it’s hilarious but you and I. I see me almost texting you. Almost.

I see you naked. Eyes closed. Flesh rotting. I see me trying to look for you. I see me thinking to myself: “I don’t understand. Where is he?”. I lean over, kiss your cold skin, and never see you again.

I see me walking under the Eiffel Tower at midnight, nine hours before my flight back home. I see people screaming. I look up at the Tower and see the sparkling lights. I see myself thinking: “You might not know shit, but you’re on the right track, kid”.

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His Epic Grindr Fails

So my friend was visiting Lebanon from the States last month. He would tell you eating at Roadster and ZwZ were the highlights of his trip, but I also know he secretly enjoyed the many facepalm moments courtesy of Grindr.

His fails put mine to shame. “Waiter at Moulin D’or”? Epicness.

Enjoy, and keep sending your epic Grindr fails to therealshit11@gmail.com. Because remember, your fail can make a difference. Well, not really. But it’ll make someone LOL. And that’s almost as awesome.

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1114

As a gay kid, I used to feel like I was the only gay kid in the world. Heck, I used to feel like the only gay human being in the world. Well that’s until I saw other “gayer” and more flamboyant gay kids at school, but that’s another story.

Sorry, I digress…

Nowadays, I feel like there are so many gay people around that I’m just another number. I don’t feel as special. And you know what? It hurts.

But again, I digress.

So ever since re-installing my Grindr Xtra (yes, I have Grindr Xtra and I’m not afraid to say it or use it) in mid-October, I’ve chatted with 1114 guys. That’s 1114 guys in 3 months! People, that’s one thousand one hundred and fourteen guys in 90 days. That’s an average of 12.37 guys for each of those 90 days. Now I’m sure there are many of you out there with higher numbers, but still, it amazes me.

First of all, I didn’t know there were this many gay people in the country. And that’s coming from a gay guy.

Second of all… no words, really. Let’s just leave it at that.

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You Know Nothing, Beirut Boy

After 7 years of livin’ la vida gay

After 601 published posts

After coming out (and being outed) to my family

After falling in love 3 times

After dumping and getting dumped 6 times

After 70 nights of getting shit-faced at a gay club

After weeks of waitressing and serving hundreds of drunk lesbians

After 2 years of non-stop hustling at my day job

After 60 blowjobs

After 11 ecstasy pills and 65 Marlboro Light packs

After 100 kisses, 20 fucks, 2 orgies, 75 one night stands

I can honestly say that I’ve learned absolutely nothing.

Well, that’s not entirely true. I have learned how to take dick pretty well. But that’s about it.

The more I feel, the less I know.

The more I go out, and live, and love, the more I realize I know nothing.

I can give life advice and relationship tips to you and my friends all day long, bass walla, I’m just as clueless as you are.

And you know what? We’re 20-something, we’re gay, we live in Lebanon, under abnormal circumstances. We’re not supposed to know everything. We’re supposed to be beautifully complex (otherwise known as “fucked up”) creatures who know absolutely nothing. This is the time for loving hard, hating harder, living fast, trial and error (lots of error), bad decisions, regrets, and the occasional wonderful surprises.

So here’s to all of us, who know absolutely nothing.

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How I found the one and shat all over it

All my life, I dreamt of how I’d meet prince charming. I’d drop some books on the street and he’d help me pick them up. I’d be on the bus and he’d take a seat next to me.

But screw those cliches.

I met my prince charming at an orgy.

Didn’t know what to expect when I walked into that room. It was my first time at an orgy so I was nervous as hell. Told the guy who invited me I wouldn’t participate; would just watch and satisfy the voyeur in me.

Saw the people. No one was my type. No one. Except this guy. While people were getting freaky inside, there was one guy who sat on the sofa watching TV in his undies. He looked cute. But I didn’t know how cute he was until later on. I was too intimidated to make a move and went inside to see all the action.

15 minutes later, I started getting in the mood. I took my shirt off and got a hard on at all the sights I was seeing. Took a break and got out of the room. Oh shit! I see Mister Right wearing his clothes and getting ready to leave.

Ummm… no. This hot guy won’t slip away from my fingers. You know how hard it is to find The One at an orgy? Very. I decided: “There’s no way in hell he’s leaving”.

So I head over to him. He was talking to the orgy organizer who was convincing him to stay. “Yeah, man. Don’t leave”, I say, and introduce myself. I put my hands on him and unbutton his shirt. He smiles.

Fuck, this guy’s not cute. He’s hot. He’s the perfect hot boy next door. The epitome of my type. With the perfect smile. And it seemed that he liked me as well… because he didn’t leave. He took his shirt off and stripped back to his underwear.

I grab his hand and usher him to the bathroom. Yes, the bathroom. I’m not gonna fuck prince charming in front of everyone on the bed. This is personal. This is romance. This is our first time.

Now we’re in the bathroom. Both in our underwear. Kissing passionately. Sparks are flying. I couldn’t believe I got that lucky at an orgy. I might just end up with true love Instead of ending up with an STD. I remove his underwear and put his cock in my mouth. Suck on it like you would your lover. His moans… oh, his manly moans. Was like sucking off a straight guy. Total turn on.

My ass was ready. I grab a condom and put it on him. Some lube, and he was inside me.

“Ahhh… fuck”, we both screamed.

We were one. United. He could feel my insides beating and I could sense him throbbing inside me. What better feeling?

As he’s fucking me hard, I smell something fishy. Could it be? No, it can’t be.

I look at him and he has the most horrified look on his face.

“What’s wrong?”, I ask.

“Ummm…”, he mumbled.

I don’t think he had the heart to say it. Or the stomach.

I take his cock out of my ass and look at it.

Shit! (Not the expression. But the actual feces.)

“Oh my God”, I screamed out loud. There was actual shit on his dick.

I came to the orgy unprepared and didn’t clean my ass. What was I thinking? How could I let someone fuck me without emptying my fucking bowels?

Do you know the meaning of the word “mortified”? I was mortified. Ever since that night, I use that word wisely. Because nothing… and I mean nothing… is more mortifying that taking a dump on a beautiful guy (unless he asks for it which is a totally different scenario).

“Sorry, man. I didn’t clean. I’m so sorry”, I was embarrassed.

“It’s okay, it happens”. Sweet words, but the boy was traumatized.

I stand up and touch my ass. It wasn’t just the hole. There was shit on my fucking cheeks. Like, really? Is this really happening? By now, the whole room smelled like a sewer. I take a tissue, clean up a bit, try to salvage the situation.

Now he’s getting ready to leave because his boner’s dead.

He reassures me: “It’s okay”. He cleans himself up.

But I didn’t want him to leave. I was adamant on making this work. This shit won’t slow me down.

I make him sit down, remove the now chocolate-colored condom, and play with his dick. I suck that mother off like there’s no tomorrow, all while trying to act like I don’t smell the shit. He’s trying to focus as well. I mean, there’s shit all over the place. Even a bit on my hands.

The guy’s a trooper. He cums. He actually enjoyed it. I could tell. Either that or he was so in a hurry to get the fuck out that he forcibly released that shit.

He came and he was out of there faster than you can say
“heydon’tleaveyou’retheonesorryIshatalloveryoucanIpleasegetyournumber”.

And he was out of there. And I was left all alone in that bathroom to pick up the pieces. And clean the shit.

I told the orgy organizer what happened and told him to contact him on Whatsapp and give him my number. He never contacted me. A part of me was offended. Another part of me was like “duhh you idiot”.

That night, I learned two things.

– Never have sex without cleaning up

– Love conquers all. But not shit.